32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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