I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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