Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
