I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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