You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
i now understand why vodka
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
