It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
