It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
