We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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