We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
