Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
