just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
