Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
