I met the friendliest cop last night
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
