why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
