I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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