Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
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Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
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Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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