i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
