Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
