lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
