I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
