my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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