Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It's rum buckets o'clock
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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