Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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