I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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