Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
