Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
