Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
