I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
