i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
