Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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