How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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