Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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