It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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