that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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