My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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