i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
