Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
