Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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