He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
