YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
