so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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