dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My dick has a subreddit
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
