you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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