What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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