good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
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Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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