No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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