I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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