haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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