In the future we'll all be gay
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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