it hurts more in the daytime
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
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u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
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for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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