I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Church boner. Awkwardddd
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
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You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
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Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(