I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw