Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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