just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
