Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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