Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
