If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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