At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
