Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
