Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You ruined the universe
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