Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
